How To Not Be Miserable
Three Point Thursday #4 | Avoiding The Evils that Destroy Your Happiness
Here’s your weekly three-pointer, to open your mind.
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The mission of “Three Point Thursday” & about the author here
Why You Feel Horrible
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care about their opinions more than our own.”—Marcus Aurelius
You did something you’re proud of. Itching to share, you tell a friend. They don’t think it's that great. They laugh at you.
Suddenly, all your excitement is gone. You’re not as glad about what you did anymore. You didn’t get the approval you expected, and now you think your accomplishment was actually worthless.
This is a common experience for humans. It makes sense why this happens.
It feels good to have actions validated by others. But people fall into the trap of constantly seeking approval.
Eventually, they need it to feel good about themselves.
No bueno.
In reality, you will not always receive the praise you desire.
The antidote is to not constantly seek outside approval in the first place.
“If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your own integrity. If you need a witness, be your own.”—Epictetus
Being your own witness means that even if no one sees, you work hard and do what excites you.
Through doing this, you earn respect from yourself.
Even if you’re not receiving support from people you want it from, you still feel content knowing the progress you continue to make.
Like every one else, you appreciate recognition.
But you aren’t dependent on it to feel satisfied.
By developing this skill, the most important realization of all is made: happiness is an internal state.
It’s cliché I know. But it’s true.
When you gain self-respect through your habits and don’t require outside approval to function, you realize some of the most powerful joy comes from inside of you.
This idea has even recently begun to be proven by brain science.
Andrew Huberman is a neuroscientist at Stanford.
He often explains the importance of not being dependent on outside forces for satisfaction.
And he talks about the significance of dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation and drive (forces that lead to satisfaction):
“If your dopamine is tethered to the actions, words, and inactions, of others, you’re in for a rough ride. Conversely, the more your dopamine reward system is tuned to your actions and thoughts, the better you’ll feel (on average).”—Andrew Huberman
What he means is that it’s healthier to rely on internal rewards when striving for goals; as opposed to only feeling rewarded if someone compliments you.
Huberman’s words can be viewed as the scientific way of saying what Epictetus did 2000 years ago—be your own witness.
How To Not Be a Bozo
“Abhor flatterers as you would deceivers; for both, if trusted, injure those who trust them.”—Isocrates
Let’s say you consistently get compliments for something you know a lot about or are skilled at.
Cool.
Just realize that a dynamic like this can become problematic if you start to believe your own hype.
If you want to keep improving, appreciate support, but don’t fall in love with flattery.
If you eat up all the honors you receive, you deceive yourself, by thinking you know it all.
You stop learning and innovating, because you believe you're already supreme.
Avoid tricking yourself like that.
It’s possible to still have confidence in your knowledge and abilities at the same time.
Just realize that the best in the world in any area still look for ways to improve every day. That's why they’re the best.
In fact, the more you learn, the more you recognize how little you fundamentally understand about our complex world.
“The more you know, the more you know you don't know.”—Aristotle
You don’t want to be a know-it-all.
The smartest people say ‘I don’t know' more than you think.
They don’t have all the answers.
Rather, they constantly ask good questions to obtain more knowledge. And they’re never cocky about how much they know.
You ever ran into a crackhead outside a bar or something, who gives you some unsolicited advice? Who can barely stand but in between cigarette puffs still manages to preach nonsense “wisdom” to you?
“Let me tell ya how the world really works…” or something like that.
Like no dude! I don’t want to hear your take on how you “figured out” life.
It’s just funny how those seem to be the types of people who have all the answers.
Where does that get you?
“I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb.”—Richard Feynman (Nobel Prize Winner in Physics)
You can’t learn what you think you already know
Paradoxically, by being aware of how ignorant you are, you’ll end up becoming more intelligent as a result.
How?
Because you’ll ask more questions in general (and learn) instead of thinking you’ve figured everything out.
The #1 thing that stops people from learning something is the illusion that they already know it.
But if you’re smart enough to know that you’re dumb, you won’t suffer such illusions.
And you won’t ever be upset about not knowing or understanding things. Because you’ll realize there is no end to learning.
The Evil Trap
“Comparison is the death of joy.”—Mark Twain
The easiest way to make yourself miserable: be envious.
Example
Joe compares himself to Bob. Joe wishes he could be as happy as Bob seems. This ends up making Joe depressed, because he feels he is missing something. What Joe fails to realize is that there is someone else who would kill to be as happy as he seems. Meanwhile, Bob is depressed because he is comparing himself to someone seemingly happier than he is.
And so the chain of comparison perpetually goes.
Lesson
There are nearly 8 billion people on the planet.
There will always be someone that is wealthier/healthier/smarter/more attractive/more skilled/better connected etc. Likewise, there will always be someone poorer/less healthy/dumber/less attractive/less skilled/less connected etc.
Practically speaking, there’s no good reason to compare yourself to other people. It doesn’t make sense mathematically! There are too many humans and too much variation.
Unfortunately, this mind-destroying process continues to be exacerbated by social media.
People only post their best moments (understandably so).
Do you know anyone who posts their worst moments?
Probably not.
And how many people do you know who look perfectly happy on social media, but are actually depressed?
Sadly, probably a lot.
You might (wrongly) assume that all the people you see on your timeline are in a constant state of bliss. (scrolling on Instagram, it sure seems like it)
But in reality, everyone is struggling with something. And no one is completely happy 24/7.
Elon Musk describes this dynamic in under 30 seconds:
I heard someone say once that “although comparison is the thief of joy, it can be the deliverer of desire.”
Which made me think, yes, everyone needs models of success—heroes they want to emulate.
It can be useful to measure yourself up to other people you want to be like. To feel motivated to be as good as they are. To understand the areas you can improve to be more like them.
But it can be a slippery slope.
If you do that too much, the only thing you focus is how other people are better than you. How other people are ahead of you.
Not fun.
Instead, focus more on becoming superior to your former self.
It’s more practical anyways—the only thing you can 100% control is your own attitude and actions.
“If you only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.” —Montesquieu
Fantastic!!
Unreal, love this