You Become Miserable When You Only Think of Yourself

Excessive introspection as the root cause of unhappiness

Narcissus, Caravaggio, 1579-1599

Everyone has heard the ancient Greek story of Narcissus, the handsome young man who fell in love with his own reflection in the water, leading to his demise.

Like all great stories, this one gives us a lesson: self-obsession is the root of psychological suffering.

I think there are a couple of reasons for this.

Evolutionary logic comes to mind first. One consequence of natural selection and our evolutionary history is a certain baked-in negativity bias. We’re descended from cynics, pessimists, and worriers whose minds always had to be searching for threats and solving dangerous problems.

Therefore, it is only natural that when we ruminate, we often become anxious or think about negative stuff. The bias that kept our ancestors alive by can easily become over active unnecessarily.

This tendency to dwell on the negative makes one think of an insightful quip from entrepreneur and philosopher Naval Ravikant: “The central contradiction of therapy is that the source of unhappiness is thinking about yourself.”

Now, generally speaking, it seems that one needs therapy in the sense that we’re social creatures and need to rant and get things off our chest sometimes or say things that need to be said. And of course, I don’t doubt that clinical therapy is valuable and necessary for many people. I also know personally how much introspection can lead to growth and positive outcomes.

But when indulged, when the “inner work” has no end in sight, it seems to create a sort of toxic self-obsession for some people who may have never even really needed therapy in the first place.

Who wants to be self-conscious all the time? It’s no fun, to always be thinking about yourself. To quote Naval again, “me is a disease.”

If excessive introspection can trap us, then what’s the alternative? What do the happiest people do? What does ancient wisdom tell us?

For one, it tells us to live for something bigger than ourselves. It tells us to dedicate ourselves to a cause, a big goal, a North Star. Whether it’s teaching people, raising children, or pursuing scientific discovery, outward-directed pursuits are nourishing.

This is part of what it means to lose yourself. Don’t you remember that the Buddha achieved peace by becoming selfless? Narcissus died because of his reflection. The Buddha saw through his. The better choice is obvious.

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With gratitude,

Jeff