7 Conversation Tips Because I'm An Expert

Three Point Essay | The dance of conversing

What’s good.

I double majored in Communications and Spanish in college. But that’s not why I have conversation tips. I do because I like talking to people. Sometimes in languages other than what you’re reading right now. If some are social butterflies then I’m a social Mothra.

But I’m actually introverted. So if you are too, don’t worry. I also enjoy solitude, reading, writing, and walking by myself for long periods, more than most things. But I’ve never been so foolish to say I’m a lone-wolf *100 emoji.*¹

1. Actually Listen. Like, Actually Though.

The first step to being a good conversationalist is listening to what people say. This is a skill surprisingly few people possess.

Many (bozos) simply wait to blurt out what they want to say. There’s even people who seem to not even hear—never-mind process—anything unless it has to do with them, or is a response to something they just said.

Half of charisma is just genuinely listening to people and asking a few questions. Two ears and one mouth for a reason, so it’s said.

2. Remember The Spotlight Effect

If you feel self-consciousness and anxiety in social settings it’s mainly because you overestimate how much others pay attention to you.

The antidote is to realize people aren’t thinking about you, because they’re doing what you’re doing, they’re thinking about themselves.

The most charming, seductive people are rarely self-absorbed in a neurotic way. They have a piercing look because they aren’t thinking too much about themselves, but rather about the environment that they’re in.

3. Hone Your Body Language

Meek Mill once boasted “you can tell how I'm feeling from my posture aye."

Your posture is your loudest form of body language. The most common problem, for dudes at-least, is having slumped shoulders. This makes you look bad and unconfident—having them rounded and down instead of back. If your shoulders are anatomically rounded, as mine used to be, there are many corrective exercises and stretches to remedy it.

And here’s a little trick I once heard: re-adjust your posture every time you go through a door frame. Every time you enter a new room, you could meet new people, and who doesn’t want to leave a good first impression?

4. Code Switch

The last month of college, these two dudes from Sweden stayed at our house. The Swedes stayed in Mexico for the entire month prior, and had been travelling other parts of the world before that too. I remember one of them, Filip, making an off-hand comment about being a chameleon while we were in line for the bar. He was referring to getting along with people of different cultures in different situations. He was talking about code switching.

One definition of code switching is switching back and forth between actual languages. Like when the Swedes would go from speaking Swedish with each other to speaking English with each other. Another definition is simply changing the way you speak depending on your setting, which I imagine the Viking men did all the time during their months-long bender across the Earth.

There’s a Japanese saying that “a man is whatever room he is in.” Obama exemplified this in a video I recently saw of him in a diner of all black people. When asked for something he was like “nah we straight”, a phrasing I never heard him use during a presidential debate.

This isn’t being “fake.” It's human nature for people to switch their dialect and language tones based on who they're interacting with. It’s only being “fake” if you take it too far. But what is too far? It depends. In his book The WEIRDest people in the world, Joseph Henrich writes that “Americans sometimes see behavioral flexibility as ‘two-faced’ or ‘hypocritical,’ while many other populations see personal adjustments to differing relationships as reflecting wisdom, maturity, and social adeptness.” I think there’s elements of truth in both. But there’s a big difference between code switching and switching who you are.

If you change who you are just to impress or please people, that’s not being a socially adept code-switcher, that’s being a spineless loser. Code-switching isn’t about violating your principles, authenticity, or mission for social reasons, it’s about paying attention to the type of person you’re dealing with and adjusting accordingly. “When you meet a swordsman, draw your sword” Robert Greene warns us, “do not recite poetry to one who is not a poet.”

5. Mind Your Tone

You can say the same thing—the exact same words in the exact same order—but depending on your tone of voice, pace, and delivery, you get entirely different reactions from people.

How you say things is just as (if not more) important than what you actually say.

Consider the emotion of your words as much as you do the articulation of them.

6. Tell Stories

It was my grandfather’s 87th birthday recently. We had a party for him at my cousin’s house.

I noticed for the ~2 hour celebration, almost every word spoken was a story. People love stories. We bond through them. They help us make sense of the world. They’re entertaining.

You’ll automatically be a good conversationalist if you have good stories from your life. So, live! Follow your curiosity. Go somewhere new. Work hard on something. Do cool things. You’ll have good stories to tell as a result.

7. Just Do It. And Smile.

Just do it. Talk to people.

And don’t forget to smile. People love that. Don’t smile too much though—people might think you’re crazy! Or, they’ll also smile too much, and you’ll both be crazy together, which is the best.

1. There’s no greater delusion than thinking you don’t need people. Homo Sapiens are thee social animal. We rule the world, instead of say, elephants, in large part because of our complex language. The gift that enables us to cooperate in groups and make all kinds of progress. The basis of this cooperation is a sociality that’s deeply embedded in the psyche. Few things have a bigger effect on one’s self-esteem and health than the quality of one’s social connection. In fact, one study shows that social isolation is a predictor of mortality on par with obesity and smoking. So let us view every day as an opportunity to polish our conversational skills; Much of our well-being depends on it.