You Can Leave the Hotel California, Actually

People let alcohol ruin their life just to fit in

A few months ago I flew to California to help my brother move from San Diego to Los Angeles.

It was a wonderful ride up the golden coast. The shining ocean on my left, yellow hills on my right and seas of palm trees everywhere. With the sun, shades and a smile on my face, this moment was as sweet as you’re imagining it. I sipped a cold brew coffee and listened to Hotel California as I cruised.

How many legendary songs with California in the title! This classic is said to represent people’s relationship with drugs; how impossible it is to stop once you start. Take the iconic last line before the guitar solo:

“Relax,” said the nightman,

“We are programmed to receive,

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave.”

Does this not reflect many people’s relationship with the most famous drug of them all? In the minds of many, alcohol is as integral to life as wearing shoes. Baked into the culture. If you don’t drink, something must be wrong with you. Are you even really living?

This thinking is not completely without reason. Alcohol has been a fundamental part of human civilization throughout history. The bottle has such special status that, on a night out, there is still often an assumption you owe people an explanation if you’re not holding one. But with the deepened knowledge we have of this poison, it is odd to me that more people don’t find this odd, as there is overwhelming evidence that alcohol is even worse than we’ve always thought.

Imagine if someone asked you why you’re not doing other drugs? That would be insanity. Yet how many times have you been asked where your drink is at a social gathering? I bet the answer is not zero.

The uncomfortable truth is that, in many cultures, breaking alcohol addiction is socially unacceptable.

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I recently did a 23andMe genetics test. I am ~68% British and Irish. That information alone is sufficient reason to stop drinking.

Never mind that, when I was fourteen, I said my “pet peeve” was only drinking a little, that it is a waste of a night to not get very drunk. In high school I found it comical when people tried to persuade you to not drink. Such efforts were unconvincing because they never acknowledged how fun it is getting blasted. Which is why I want to acknowledge how fun it is getting blasted.

My friends and I went on spring break in the Bahamas during college. Groups of kids from Universities all over the country stayed at this hotel on the water. At one point, there was a party of people gathered near a stage on the beach when it suddenly started pouring rain. No one went back inside. Instead, the DJ put on the song Unwritten, and the half naked crowd grew delirious, singing and dancing along to the lines “feel the rain on your skin” in a state of unimaginable intoxication. It was as fun as it sounds. The two pina coladas plus four tequila sodas multiplied by a coconut beverage equaled more than fun; they equaled a spiritual experience. This story is a somewhat vulgar example, but the attraction to alcohol is spiritual. Perhaps you can relate—that peak feeling when the drinks are flowing and something special happens and you feel so ecstatic, so alive.

But then, of course, you wake up. In a state of genuine despair. Your body hurts. You feel anxious and depressed. You’re exhausted. You’re a little bit weaker. You have a little bit less respect for yourself because of things you said or did. Worst of all—and imperceptible to you—your brain literally shrunk.

Still, you look forward to your next drink. Even though you know you will pile on the pain for the long term, you accept it. All in hopes of experiencing another transcendent moment, drunk on the beach in the rain.

And so the alcoholic cycle continues.

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To help someone in such a cycle conquer this toxic drug,¹ you can’t say something basic like “it is stupid.” That is a stupid statement. It makes you stupid, but it is awesome.

Instead, you have to ask them what they love more than margaritas and Guinnesses. You need an adventure to replace the addiction. You might ask yourself: What matters so much to me that it’s not worth risking it by getting buckled? Unfortunately very few people can give a genuine answer to this question—or even want to.

It is easier to not ask, to not look at yourself in the mirror. It is easier to not think about it, pretend nothing is wrong. You will forget about it after a nice little green tea shot. At that same bar. With that same creepy old guy in the corner who is horny for a college girl but (thankfully) too scared to approach her. With those same people wasting their lives staring at a game they have no control over for two hours in hopes of winning $37.65 on their FanDuel app.

Why do so many smart people succumb to this sickening degeneracy? Ring, ring, ring, it is the social consequences again. Imagining how people might react to them being sober is terrifying, to an unbearable extent. The tragic effects of alcohol are something they must accept.

But who are the types of people who inflict such “social consequences” on non-drinkers, exactly?

In my mind I picture a buffoon who fawns over another buffoon saying something “bro wait till you meet my boy he’s an absolute degen” in some pathetic form of admiration; a guy so desperate to fit in he will black out to impress someone. This is the unsophisticated dork who mocks people for not drinking. This is the person who is befuddled—legitimately perplexed—at someone being out at a bar or restaurant and not “sending.”

Okay. So what? Who cares? Is that someone you even want to like you?

You might say, well, I still don’t want to miss out in general. On bar hopping, on the good times. Here is something some people apparently don’t know is legal: you can go out to restaurants, bars, and social events and not drink, and still have a good time.

And if we’re being real, what are you missing out on most of the time anyway?

Waiting in an artificial forty-five minute line? Getting dehydrated and getting your shoes dirty? Taking a flash video and shaking your phone to make it look crazier than it really is? A guy reading this might think, talking to girls is what I miss out on duh. Well what about the pretty girl you saw at the cafe? At the gym? At the park? Why do you wait until you’re cross eyed slurring your words in a loud dark smelly crowd to talk to a girl?

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In an culture of alcoholism by default, taking care of yourself is a revolutionary act.

You have to accept that you will become socially unacceptable to some people when you stop getting tuned up. It is okay. The right people—including people who still enjoy drinking—will respect it. The wrong people will be bamboozled, potentially even angry.

Have the courage to leave the Hotel California anyway.

It might be scary, walking out that door. But you know what will happen if you do. Your mind, body, and soul will prosper like never before. Your energy and confidence will soar. You will find freedom in your focus, pleasure in your discipline. If the night man tries to stop you, insisting they are programmed to receive, look the night man and say, “hey night man, how about you go fuck yourself?” He won’t do anything.

Odysseus and the Sirens, red figure stamnos vase, c. 480-460 BCE

1. It is the height of lunacy that people act like you’re not “technically” an alcoholic because you’re young. “It’s only a problem until after college,” they say. It’s like, nope! That is wrong.